Goodbye to a Decade

2010 dawned in Dolores Colorado.  I was all-in on the hotel, struggling along in that horrible economy, and Don, Doug and I were probably freezing our asses off in the wooden box which was The Rio Grande Southern Hotel , built in 1893.  That was the Christmas I got a heated toilet seat for up there on the 3rd floor where we lived. That bathroom was like 45 degrees some mornings, and sitting down on 80 degree heated seat was a deeply felt pleasure.

From January 2010, this is the icicle that hung between the two eaves of the roof:  

Today I’m reflecting on the experiences of this decade.  It’s been a decade of adventure, and change change change.

I kept hoping something would turn around economically, and struggled through this winter, and the 2011 winter I worked on the Gondola in Telluride to supplement and try to stay in SW Colorado.  Finally, in November of 2011 I analyzed my cash flow, and gave the business back Susi.  She’s got it up for sale today.

Dolores was where another huge thing happened, it’s where I was able to bring my son from California, and stand next to him as he struggled through rehab.  June to November 2011, he got sober, and was able to go back home strong enough to not repeat.  I realize I am incredibly lucky to have that be the story.  So many others have not had that experience.  About a year into his sobriety, he finally submitted to God.  The man he’s become today brings me pride.  He’s the spiritual leader of his home, he’s handled some real crisis’s with grace and faith these last few months, and he loves a woman in a way that all women deserve to be loved, as a husband and protector.  I’m so proud of him.

My kids are quick to point out, I’ve been bouncing around non-stop since then.  I think I’ve landed for the long-term here in Phoenix.   At least for most of the year, although I think we’re going to have to be camping in the mountains come July and August.

I’ve lived and worked in Telluride, worked on a Dude Ranch south of Yellowstone as the cook, outside Albuquerque in Mountainair at the Shafer Hotel, Hawaii, in Pahoa where the volcano was flowing again last year in a Castle, near Aspen, Ruidoso New Mexico, near Waco, TX, Pagosa Springs, and a few brief months in Fredricksburg, TX, Tucson, and north of Dallas.  It was May of this year I brought Dad back here to Arizona, and we’ve settled into a routine that handles this stage of Moderate Severe Alzheimer’s with enrichment programs, good support groups, and nearby VA offices and services.

My heart was broken not being able to make either my relationship with Don or the business work in Dolores.  Hope was restored, and I really thought I had a great partner in Chris when we got together 7 years ago this week.  I mean, he told me I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, over and over.  Turns out he wasn’t just telling me that, but a couple of other women at the same time, and betraying his wife.  I get the prize as the most gullible I guess.  Perhaps 5 1/2 years is a good run.  But it wasn’t my intention.  I thought I had a life partner to walk the rest of the road with… I was hopeful enough to actually marry him after 18 years of not being married.  That heartbreak almost killed me this time, I think because of the compounded grief of realizing my Dad’s stuff wasn’t just normal aging, but the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s officially only 4 weeks of Chris dumping me.  Never ever have I felt compelled to Google “What are the symptoms of a nervous breakdown.”  But well, I think I came close last November.

2019 certainly has been better than 2018.  2019 has been about rebuilding a situation that allows Dad’s sister Anita, who moved from Florida, and I to care for him safely.  To get my bad habit of eating my way through stress under control.  To exercise.  To reach out to others going through the same challenges of caring for someone you love with this horrible shit show of a disease that is Alzheimer’s.  Never ever could I have imagined how debilitating this is… Every 5 minutes right now, as I sit at the dining table typing, Dad walks in and goes over his “You live in Phoenix with your daughter Sheila and sister Anita” board, and he tells me he hasn’t seen Sheila all day.   My support group is amazing, and the counseling I’ve been doing to heal myself continues and starts 2020 on a the right track emotionally.

Great things happened at my core this decade.  I found my greatest passion, using DNA to find the truth of my genetic heritage, and do so for others.  I’m on the brink of answers for a couple of close cases I’ve been working on.  It’s an amazing tool.

Finding my birthdad Warren with my DNA 3 years ago, has blessed me with amazing people who love God and me, and have helped me navigate this season of caring for my Dad so well.  They’ve been here in Sun City for a long time, and Falba my “stepmom” has helped many many families navigate over the years as she was the Care Pastor at her church for many many years.  Just another example of how things work together for good.  My birth family has completed my picture of who I was genetically.  Not having that be a secret has helped my psyche more than I could have imagined. I’ve gained a sister I hope I get closer too, I’m good friends with my birth mother. I’m blessed with answers and relatively healthy family relations on many fronts.

And as I sit on the brink tonight my daughter is due to give birth to my first grandchild in a mere 6 weeks.  Such joyful hope.  She’s successfully navigated from teenager at 19, to falling in love at 23, and marrying the first boy she kissed.  A terrific complement to her.  I also see in them a real couple, a team.  My kids learned the lessons.  They took their grandparents over 50 year marriages as a model.  I’m so proud to have them both.  I managed to raise two great people who I love, and look towards this next decade with such excitement of being a grandmother.

My Dad continues to hold steady while slowly declining.  The grief of your father being gone, yet still here, scares me personally, and scares me for us a society.  Alzheimer’s last about a decade, and is the most expensive disease we are facing, and 3x’s the numbers are anticipated in the next 20 years.  A few weeks from now I’ll be starting a podcast with my college roommate’s mom as we share our experiences and wisdom learned caring for our loved one – her from the standpoint of the wife, me as the child.

I also can actually imagine coming to grips with my anxious attachment style romantically, and maybe damper down my reactions and “stuff”  Maybe develop a secure attachment style, the kind I have with my friends and others.  Why I’ve repeatedly messed that up is the big question of my life, and my generation.  It’s not over yet.  And I did at least find in 2019 my juices still flow and I actually felt attracted to someone.  That first year after Chris’ betrayal, I thought maybe I was dead inside.  I’m not.  That’s a relief.

God has blessed me with a PT from home job opportunity, opportunities to serve others, and create.  My family is growing.  And the tools to cope with the stress of the Alzheimer’s journey have been growing, and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am grateful to have the ability to be here for my Dad who was here for us his whole life. I am grateful for friends, life long and new, who’ve come around me with love and support.

So as the sun sets on this decade right now, I’m ending on a hopeful note.  For growth, love, and giving back to the world some of the love and grace that’s been given to me.  My biggest goal is to speak my truth without fear and filter.  To help others know they’re not alone, whether it’s their aging parents, disappointment, or coming out of the fog of secrecy as an Adoptee.  I’ve always been one for truth over fantasy, even if it sucks.  Here’s to the next decade being authentic and truthful in love.